Waiting for Kesler: A One Act Play

[Editor's Note: Negative Dunkalectics pal Colin recently composed this wonderful one act play based on the lives of Canadian NBA superstars Joel Anthony and Jamal Magloire. Almost every word of it is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness. And I mean that as praise.]

Waiting For Kesler

Scene: The Miami Heat dressing room, 8:17 P.M. on Tuesday, May 24, 13 minutes before the start of the Heat-Bulls game and 43 minutes before the start of the Canucks-Sharks game. Joel Anthony and Jamaal Magloire sit by their lockers; Joel glances reiteratively at Twitter on his Smartphone while Jamaal attempts to remove his shoe.

Jamaal Magloire: So did Vigneault say whether or not Kesler was gonna be in? Man I can’t get this shoe off for the life of me.

Joel Anthony: Not yet. Nothing from the CBC, nothing from the beat guys, nothing from the beat writers. I don’t think it’s going to matter, I don’t see the Sharks winning this series if the Sedins are firing on all cylinders again. Henrik had what, four assists on Sunday? But Kesler's a key part of that and he was hurting pretty bad after he got punched in the face at the end of the game by that Sharks player.

JM: Yeah, great game on Sunday. Man, this shoe…

JA: Still nothing on Twitter. I don’t think the CBC will make an official announcement so Twitter’s the right place to check, you know? Kesler’s been so good in these playoffs that people are trying to lock down his line, which gives the Sedin-Burrows line a lot more breathing room. If Kesler’s out it’s going to free up San Jose to change their matchups around, but if Kesler’s in the Canucks are safe, I think. Hey, did you play hockey growing up?

JM: Nah, couldn’t take a check and stay on my skates. You?

JA: I played a little bit growing up in Montreal; people there love the Canadiens so much that it makes paint peel. Saw a game or two in their arena and it’s like stepping into heaven, if you’re into hockey. LeBron wouldn’t like it, but these French-speaking guys in Canada are out of their minds. Know the history of the franchise back to its origins, just about. They have this new defenseman P.K. Subban who’s already great, and they got these veteran defensemen Hal Gill and James Wisnewski who are going to develop him into an unbelievable player; it’s like if some guy in this upcoming draft class had Rondo and Larry Bird tap him on the shoulder and say “We are going to teach you how to pass the ball the right way. You are going to break the nose of everyone on your team.” Anyway, I was playing in school for several years up in Quebec. Hold up, I need to hit the head. So yeah, like I was saying, nothing on Twitter about whether Kesler’s in to keep the series lead safe yet.

JM: While you were in the bathroom I got my shoe off.

JA: That’s cool, Jamaal. So, you grew up in Toronto right? I had the Canadiens right in my backyard; were you into sports and stuff growing up? God, why won't Vigneault just say whether Kesler's playing or not already?

JM: I mean, we got the Raptors at least. Always love ‘em, just because they’re in Toronto, through thick and thin.

JA: Oh man. That sounds like something that the one dude would say… man, what’s his name? Dresses like a goofball, always looks like he just escaped from some ugly plaid discount store, weird and loud and angry all the time? Cares about the Middle East? Complains about players who he thinks are dirty all the time? Always seems like he’s mad?

JM: You mean Amar’e Stoudemire, yeah?

JA: Nah, the hockey guy! Don Cherry, that’s his name. I’d like to send him shopping with Amar’e though. Dudes would singlehandedly keep the ugly plaid industry in business, or win the doubles championship of getting mad and yelling at everyone close enough to hear.

JM: Hey, Joel? The tipoff is in a few minutes, should we hit the floor?

JA: I think Kesler’s status is going to be Tweeted any second now, man. Let’s just wait a bit longer? I think we’ll find out about Kesler any second now. If he’s in, we’re totally saved. Who cares about some Heat-Bulls series when it looks like Vancouver's gonna steamroll their way to a Stanley Cup?

(Exeunt omnes!)

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Drew said...

Now that's what I call a killer crossover!

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