Official Top 10 Authoritative Power Rankings (of Injured Players)

Because half of the league seems to be injured right now, I've got to be thinking: who are the best ones who are fucked up right now in some way? Anyway, here's our attempt at staying relevant in this list-obsessed sports blogging universe, the first ever (and probably last ever) "Negative Dunkalectics Power Rankings (of Injured Players)":

10. Andre Iguodala / sore Achilles tendon

Iggy might be struggling this year, but his position in the first ever Negative Dunkalectics Power Rankings of Injured Players speaks volumes. Not only is he just out for a while with a mere sore tendon (that's not even a bone broken from somebody smashing it to pieces), but he's not even considered the best player on his team anymore. He's not even being considered a franchise player anymore. What is Iguodala? The winner of the #10 spot on our Rankings.

9. Michael Redd / knee surgery

This once incredible and versatile athlete of the mid-oughts has been reduced to a miserable fate: the rumor of trade topics involving Daryl Morey and living in Wisconsin. Why would you want to live in a Wisconsin where Russ Feingold gets defeated in a Senate bid? Dude has been one of the most steady voices for progressivism in Washington for like a decade. Fuck Milwaukee, even if they voted for him.

8. Danilo Gallinari / sprained knee

Who are any of those people? I think the Knicks are going to be okay without Danilo for a little while. This awkward little dude was doing fine, but considering they beat the Spurs the other night without him, it just shows that the wacky Italian voice announcing Gallo's name was only hurting the team.

7 (tie). Yao Ming / Greg Oden / tall man leg problem

It would be a kind God that would allow these two giant men on the court for any longer than one game. They could be playing against each other for years, but instead, this will probably be the only photograph ever taken of these two greats performing their skilled craft. Shitty.

6. Kevin Garnett / vague right leg injury

Unlike Gallinari, whose team appears to be functioning without him, the Celtics are just a mess without Garnett right now. And look, I know their record doesn't indicate it, but their rotations are bullshit. This isn't really all Garnett, but really a matter of Jermaine O'Neal getting minutes out of this. If you've watched any possession - offense or defense - involving O'Neal, you understand exactly why people were shaking their heads when the Celtics signed him to any deal at all. Oh wait, most people weren't? Just me? Okay.

5. Joakim Noah / right thumb surgery

Even with all of the changes to Chicago's roster that should have reigned in his potential a little more (like say, Carlos Boozer taking half of his rebounds), Noah was having a breakout season when he went down a month ago. His defense has improved to the point where he should be battling for an All-Star bench slot in the next month, but instead (being injured forever), he might have to sit it out. I think all of my friends hate this dude, which is too bad because he's really one of the most well-rounded centers in the league.

4. Dirk Nowitzki / sore right knee

Seeing Dirk on the sideline for last night's game against the Thunder while his team struggled (and eventually lost even though Kevin Durant threw the fucking ball to Rick Carlisle, allowing a random three) has been one of the larger bummers of this year so far. Well, discounting all of the other weird bummers. I guess this is a pretty minor issue with his knee (unlike the next entry on the Official Authoritative Power Rankings) and he'll be back soon, but dude, it's Dirk.

3. Caron Butler / fucked up knee

This photo kinda sez it all, don't it? Pretty good player in the past, definitely coming into his own under Carlisle's system, and shooting pretty significant numbers for the last month. Butler might've slowed as the season went by (age and everything), but he'd probably be a significant part of the Mavericks' run into the playoffs. I bet he can't wait to get traded to Milwaukee for Michael Redd!

2. Brandon Jennings / broken foot

Unlike everybody else on this list, the Milwaukee Bucks didn't really have a backup plan in case their franchise guard got hurt, which in this unique situation has led to a combination of Earl Boykins and Keyon Dooling playing heavy minutes at the point since his departure from this earth. Jennings was proving to be a streaky shooter like last year, but the team's struggles have really shown how large of a part of the Bucks' identity that he actually was. I can't believe teams passed on a pretty solid guy like Delonte West (nevermind his own injury) when dudes could go down like this.

1. Brandon Roy / destroyed leg

Former pro basketball franchise player, current patient for experimental surgeries. Roy was never a very exciting player to watch, and this year his "evolving game" (not trying to fuck himself up) reminded me of Paul Pierce, and not in a good way. Dude dragged ass up and down the court, but I guess that's what happens when you don't have any cartilage in your knees. The tragedy of Brandon Roy might be one of the largest bummers of this decade, considering his promise and potential a couple of years ago.

And on that cheerful note, the first Official Top 10 Authoritative Power Rankings (of Injured Players) has been completed. Hopefully all of these dudes get healthy (even Michael Redd), to make more money in a year than most Americans will make in their lifetimes.


Kelly said...

i can't believe Udonis Haslem didn't make this list!

Chris said...

maybe if he gets more injured in the next week, he can squeak his way past iguodala for #10

Kevin said...

No idea how Redd and Gallo are ahead of Igoudala. Redd hasnt been useful in at least 2 years. Bogut makes more sense than Redd.

Chris said...

bogut isn't on because he's healthy (he grabbed almost 30 rebounds tonight). redd is a disaster. gallo is a joke. and iguodala? well, the 76ers beat chicago without him tonight. they're a rebuilding team and he's a relic of a lost half-decade.

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