Inverse All-Stars: Eastern Conference

I deeply apologize to all of our readers about not getting the second half of the Negative Dunkalectics Inverse All-Stars up yesterday, as I had promised, but there were more important things afoot here in the Dunkalectical office... like how some of us were betting on the Cavaliers to beat the Pistons! (Bad call.) So, without further ado, the second half of our now-legendary piece describing the worst players in the league that get too many minutes.

EAST

PG Louis Williams (PHI)
Remember over the offseason when Willie Green and Jason Smith were sent to the Hornets? They probably should've thrown Lou Will in there instead of either one of those guys. Williams provides that special kind of off-the-bench 40% field goal percentage punch that can lead you to a smoking hot seventh or eighth seed in the East.

SG Keith Bogans (CHI)
The wily veteran Bogans is the reason that this column ever began. Bogans, considered the illest defensive stopper on the Bulls, is probably the worst starter in the NBA (and he's started every game). I understand why Thibodeau puts him in there - his inability to shoot the ball has led to Derrick Rose assuming more of a scoring role in the back court - but dude, Keith Bogans.

SF Christian Eyenga
(CLE)
When Jamario Moon and Joey Graham didn't work out in the starting small forward position, once-great head coach Byron Scott turned to D-League legend Christian Eyenga (he averaged 12 PPG and 5 RPG in 15 games), and on his fourth game in the league, he was a starter. This is a great story for Eyenga to tell his kids someday, but his work on the court has been disgusting. Best part: since he joined the team in early January, he hasn't known a win in the NBA.

PF Andray Blatche (WAS)
After much better player Antawn Jamison was traded last year, Blatche took advantage of his higher profile in the Wizards organization like a villain in a film noir, his face obstructed by shadow, eyes glistening and a wide, menacing grin visible only behind a giant, increasingly evil spectre. His statline may show a sign of hope for the people of Washington, but it is really more of an indicator of the dark turn the Wizards have taken since Arenas' suspension.

C Joel Anthony (MIA)
I don't know what kind of misfortune we have all led in our lives to have a player like Joel Anthony to karma-fuck us with his existence. Dude sucks in the most miserable way, and its really awkward that the Miami Heat were unable to unload him at the end of last season, because for what he provides (mediocre-to-bad ability in everything), somebody else could do it better.

Reserves:

PF Josh McRoberts (IND)
G/F Stephen Graham (NJ)
SG Manny Harris (CLE)
F/G Sonny Weems (TOR)
PF Jon Brockman (MIL)
PG Jordan Farmar (NJ)

Unlike the Western Conference's team, I don't think this team could beat a healthy Cavaliers team.

2 comments:

Kevin said...

Shit is rigged if Chalmers isnt starting over LouWill!

Worse shooting percentage. Worse assist:turnover ratio. Basically RIGGED!

Chris said...

lou will is the worst "combo guard" in the league, though. thats the reason why hes on the list. mario chalmers is a poor shooter, but he almost only shoots three pointers that have been set up by lebron/wade. then again, i did put derek fisher on the list and he has a similar role (but is worse than either one of those guys)

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